My biggest talent is always being able to tell what's in a wrapped present. It's a gift.

Some people have trouble sleeping. But I can do it with my eyes closed. 

My daughter asked if I had seen the

dog bowl.

I said, "No, I didn't even know he could."

Poop jokes aren't my favorite.

But they are a solid number two.

What is the opposite of a croissant? 

A happy uncle.

A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.

He's the new temp.

How do you make the number one disappear?

You just add a G and it's gone. 

The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I opened it all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.